IMPORTANT ARCHEOLOGICAL ANNOUNCEMENT - Seventh-year archeology students from the Dog River Academy for Wayward Boys, led by Dr. Fats Waller Schmenckendorfer, Deputy Assistant Professor of Nuclear Physics & Hog-Calling at the DRAforWB and a skilled amateur archeologist, have unearthed an important semihistorical site on the upper north side of Lower Smith Hill. Whilst conducting delicate excavations with a backhoe, the students uncovered the outlines of what appeared to be the roof of a building several feet beneath the surface of the ground. Carefully continuing their work with several jackhammers, the eager excavators soon broke through, and plunging several feet to the floor, found themselves in a room full of people, who seemed none too pleased by the interruption, to the extent that they commenced thwacking the students and Dr. Schmeckendorfer with inflated pigs' bladders.

When the thwacking ceased and apologies and explanations were exchanged, it developed that the students had unwittingly broken in upon The-Internet is-a-Fad Café, and the monthly meeting of History-is- Bunk Society, which was taking lessons in smoke-signaling from the proprietor, the Hermit of Smith Hill (not to be confused with the Hermit of Frost Road). Reports reaching your (Substitute) Substitute Columnist indicate that the interior is artfully furnished with Remington portable typewriters, abaci, quill pens and Morris chairs, whilst the whole is charmingly illuminated by whale oil lamps. The proprietor modestly admitted that he built the entire complex, which stretches for several acres, with his own hands in advance of the day when everyone will be living underground. Part of the complex is given over to the Old Vaudevillians Home, whence the members of the History is-Bunk Society learnt their pig-bladder-thwacking technique.

After a light repast of parsnip tea and tofu popovers, leavened by numerous reminiscences of old vaudevillians, the students and their leader staggered back to the DRAforWB, where they were immediately admitted to the infirmary. Full recoveries are expected.

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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE THIRD CONSTABLE - Third Constable Gulliver Waffleblaster notes that with the approach of the Vernal Equinox, incidents of bizarre behavior will be on the rise, especially in the vicinity of the DRAforWB. He cautions Respectable Citizens not to admit into their homes any persons togged out in zoot suits, periwigs or spandex tuxedos. He also advises caution when meeting Groucho Marx lookalikes on the street, and says that under no circumstances should matrons over the age of thirty accept sloe gin fizzes from midgets, or blackberry cobbler from one-eyed men with lisps.

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PAID ADVERTISEMENT - The South Northfield branch of the Last National Bank of Roxbury, responding to the concerns of its Valued Customers, will host a free seminar on the 23rd Inst. on the subject of "How to Octuple Your Money by Investing in Sub-Prime Mortgages." The seminar will be hosted by a New York financier, Mister Charles Ponzi, III.