URGENT CORRECTION TO ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT ST, SWITHIN'S DAY PARADE - Your (Substitute) Substitute Columnist regrets to state that last week's item on the annual parade contained one quite small error. Just as the paper was to go to press we were advised by Miss Griselda Knackwurst, Parade Committee Chairman, that she mistook the intent of the donor, Wilkommen's Hardly-Davisperson motorcycles, owing to the fact that her ear trumpet was in the shop for re-gilding. Rather than a contribution of $5,000 to bring in a contingent of dykes on bikes, the dealership offered eleven dollars to underwrite 5,000 tykes on trikes. Hearing of this, Fire Chief Nylon revoked his offer of a matching contribution, stating that he had a different idea of what constituted babes on bikes. The Committee is once more plunged into gloom, Miss Knackwurst says, and the members will be hitting the streets again with their tin cups.

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URGENT WARNING FOR RESIDENTS OF SLATE, ELM AND PROSPECT STREETS - Third Constable Gulliver Waffleblaster advises residents of this section of town to stay indoors until further notice as a number of wild dogs are running loose in the neighborhood. "Whut's worser'n yer usual pack o' wild dogs," the Constable states, "is that them here critters is of the Small Useless Dog variety, them that's got Tourette's syndrome, and they just about been yappin' folks to death. Why, it's somethin' fearsome to hear; I hain't never hear nothin' like it afore. Some o' them blue-haired old ladies plumb fainted away it were so bad." The Constable says that the pack of Chihuahuas has also been seen drinking cheap wine out of brown paper bags.

Miss Louella Upworth-Pennywell, President-General of the Dowager Daughters of Watchful Wakefulness, upon hearing of this dire situation, summoned the membership of the D2W2 to her palatial home in Upper Lower Northfield Falls, where each member was issued an AK-47, several hundred rounds of ammunition, night vision goggles and a flak vest. Said the President-General in a news release received at the News office, "This is exactly the sort of local, state or national emergency for which our organization was founded. The Daughters have seen our duty, and we shall do it." Results of some sort are expected anon.

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WHERE ARE THEY NOW - As no fewer than one person has inquired as to the whereabouts of Columnist Bimbleburger and Putative Columnist and Missus Golliwoggle, your (Substitute) Substitute Columnist is pleased to offer the following information. Columnist Bimbleburger is resting comfortably at the Whig National Sanitorium in Harrison's Ear, Kentucky, along with sixteen other members of the Whig 19 Minus One (Miss Upworth-Pennywell made good her escape a fortnight ago, and, as noted above, is back home). The Keeper of the Sanitorium, who preferred that his name not be used, reports that Columnist Bimbleburger is suffering from delusions of adequacy and that as a result, will continue to be an honored guest there (at least until his money runs out).

As to the Golliwoggles, sources close to the family tell us that the Putative Columnist continues to have attacks of the vapors and has not risen from his couch for some time. Missus Golliwoggle, who as reported in these pages is made of much stronger stuff, has bending iron bars and eating nails preparatory to a re-match with the pyrates who abducted her and her husband on the upper reaches of the Dog River.