BAD POLLING NUMBERS FOR COACH NAUGAHYDE – Your Miss Lobotomy is crushed – crushed and distressed – crushed, distressed and sore at heart – to advise her six faithful readers that due to adverse polling numbers, Coach Naugahyde has been banished from these pages. Bowing to editorial pressure, which indicated that the seemingly interminable tale of Coach Naugahyde’s intrepid adventures in the swamps of Looziana in search of football talent wasn’t selling enough advertising (Orville’s Tiddlywinks Parlour & Unicycle Chop Shop having decided instead to underwrite the local gossip column as being of much greater interest, and much easier to read as it contained no big words or complicated concepts). Alas, YML’s frenzied beating-ofbushes last week (explaining the absence of Her column) produced nothing to be taken to the bank (or even to the Editor), the enthusiastic support of the Varsity Mud-Wrestling Team at Frau Krinkheimer’s Finishing School not being the same as cash on the barrelhead.

As the Editor told YML to find someone to run the numbers, She took him literally and went to Gin Lane in search of One-legged Louie, the bestknown of the numbers-runners in this minitropolis, who arranged for a small consideration to do as he was bidden and determine Coach Naughahyde’s numbers. These were determined to be 3, 7 and 9, and Your Miss Lobotomy immediately placed her money on them. Unfortunately, the combination was not a trifecta, so YML had to take herself to that alwaysunreliable Barometer of Public Opinion, the Scarlet Pot Breakfasteria. There she sampled the opinions of six randomly selected, carefully chosen members of the Grumpy Old Men’s Breakfast Club and fed them the questions along with their breakfasts. The results sealed Coach Naugahyde’s doom, viz: In favor of continuing the series to its conclusion, one; in favor of giving the saga the axe, two; unaware of any such series or any such newspaper, seven; opposed to U.S. intervention in Paramus, NJ, four; in favor of intervention in Paramus, four; no opinion about Paramus, four; no opinion about the Naugahyde series, twelve; never heard of Coach Naugahyde, nine; in favor of Miss Lobotomy picking up the check, eleven. As this totals 54 votes, and as the Naugahyde Saga received only one of those votes, YML is compelled to push him over the side.

So, with the greatest reluctance, YML draws the curtain upon a heart-warming and inspirational tale which has been carried on since the hoary days of Former Substitute-Substitute Columnist Miss Lorelei Popover. Persons wishing to know the outcome may remit to This (Semi-Permanent) Columnist cash, gold bullion, a money order or check in the amount of $797.48, whereupon Your Miss Lobotomy will send forthwith a handsomely bound volume of approximately 976 pages detailing the entire saga. Order today and get two copies for the same price! Order yesterday and get three! Quantities are limited, and this offer will not be repeated until next week!