SOCIAL NOTES FROM ALL OVER (THE UNCOMMON VIEW) – Your Miss Lobotomy, conscious of her duty to columnize the Important Social Scenes from across the broad sweep of this narrow minitropolis, and in the expectation of rousing the New Year from its lethargic start, presents herewith such Social Scenes as have been reported to her (although she disclaims any responsibility for the accuracy of the information thus presented).

•

PETA HOLDS ANNUAL MEETING – The local chapter of PETA (Peripatetics Espousing Terrible Attorneys), led by its Founding Member, George Washington Wingnut, an unindicted co-partner in the firm of Tort & Replevin, held its First Annual Meeting on Thursday Ultimo. Attendance was small but complete (all three members were present), so the front hall of Founder Wingnut’s residence sufficed as a meeting place. Following the recitation of seven of the Eleven Steps (numbers one, five, nine and eleven being omitted as largely irrelevant to the peculiar problems of attorneys), the members adjourned sine die. They promptly repaired the aptly named Odd Fellows Hall, where they roistered at the New Year’s Eve celebration jointly sponsored by the Great-Grand- Nephews of the Mexican War, and the Cousins-German- Twice-Removed of Relics of Unpopular Conflicts. For a complete description of the festivities which there ensued, see the weekly retort of Third Constable Gulliver Waffleblaster, especially items three through forty-eight, and the semi-monthly report of Fire Chief Nylon, particularly items one through nineteen. For further elucidation, a personal visit to Head Jailer J. Quimbert Boffnagel at his old stand in Village Hall might be useful, providing there is some greasing of palms I the first instance.

•

LOWER EAST SIDE OF UPPER WEST HILL – Mrs. Olivia de Haviland Rumpelfelter advises us, somewhat petulantly, that for the 14th straight week her quintuplet grandchildren did not visit. She was, however, visited by a plague of locusts, followed by a rain of frogs. Mrs. Rumpelfelter was not amused.

•

POSTCARD FROM COLUMNIST BIMBLEBURGER – The most exciting news received last week at The News was the receipt, just as type was being set for this issue, of a postal card from Lesser Dorking, New Jersey bearing a message from Longtime Short-time Columnist Lucius Q.C. Lamar Bimbleburger, the spiritual guide and temporal leader of the Whig Government in exile (at least we of The News believe it to be from Bimbleburger, as the scrawl at the bottom was unrecognizable to our panel of handwriting experts as being anything else). The text advises that the Whig (former) Prisoners of Conscience are about to end their long diaspora and are expected to return within a sennight or two to their home place. By dint of holding many car washes and bake sales, coupled with profitable investments in credit default swaps and some judicious panhandling, the Whig Nineteen Minus Two raised funds sufficient for them to travel by sealed box car from Lesser Dorking to the East Granville depot (or possibly even to South Roxbury, if the money holds out), where they will transfer to dog carts for the final leg of the journey. (Discreet inquiries by Your Miss Lobotomy failed to find a single person in town who was aware that the Whigs were among the missing, or that Bimbleburger had not been writing these columns himself! Now, THAT hurt!) Rumor has it that a small sum of money was sent on ahead to provide for a suitable Welcoming Reception at the Odd Fellows Hall – provided, of course, that the police tape sealing up the Hall is removed by that imprecise date, and that the Cousins-German-Twice- Removed are released from stir in time to throw together some refreshments. IF there are further developments, you, Faithful Reader(s), may count upon seeing them here.