THREE SELECTMEN CONTEMPLATE A PUTSCH – Your Miss Lobotomy, whose shell-like ear is ever pointed groundward in search of a juicy tidbit, is pleased to be the first in print with this item, recently gleaned from the grapevine: Our beloved minitropolis is about to undergo a real, authentic putsch engineered by three members of the Bored of Selectmen!

Our always-impeachable source tells us that First Selectman Wenny Snowjob, aided and eagerly abetted by Second Selectman Bunkum Naumnuttz and Third Selectman Orotundus Clinchpoop, has formulated a plan to hijack local gummint, establish a kakistocracy, and anoint themselves Selectmen for Life. Backed by their longtime supporter, putative publisher Squatley Flummage (who has his own legal problems these days), the plotters intend to launch their putsch at the next meeting of the board. The putschers propose to grab the Fourth and Fifth Selectmen and immure them in the selfsame cells where those other political prisoners, the Whig Nineteen Minus One, were incarcerated just over a year ago, the Village pokey. The lot of the Minus Two Selectmen will be much harder than those of the Whigs, as Selectman Snowjob has vowed to subject the overthrown to continuous readings of the collected diatribes of Mr. Flummage (whose oratorical style has been compared, not altogether favorably, to that of a Vogon commander reading his poetry – and if you don’t know what THAT means, check The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy). The usual rules of torture will not apply.

Once established in power, our source tells us, the first act of the putschers will be to eliminate the position of Municipal Catcatcher Walloomsac Clavicle Nylon and to parcel out his duties to 17 other employees. It is also expected, based upon the partly-written (and barely intelligible) manifesto of the three revolting Selects, that they will assume the direction of all town affairs, thus disposing of the need for a town manager. Further, to prevent any inter-municipal contamination, they plan to apply for federal stimulus funds to erect a wall completely around the Village with armed guards and toll booths at the two entrances, and to thus fund all town operations from tolls received from village residents desiring to drive on town highways. Conversely, town residents will be forbidden to enter the village lest they be contaminated by any thoughts of inter-municipal cooperation. Our spies also advise us that Village Trustee Tarassis Merkin is cooperating in the putsch (a little accidental intermunicipal cooperation there!) and fully expects to name himself Lord High Everything Else in the village, thus achieving his life-long ambition.

The putative kakistocrats, whose planning seems to be extensive, if no more than pedestrian, may very well succeed in their aims as long as the legion of cat-lovers in our minitropolis fail to unite in opposition. However, knowing the revolting selects as we do, and secure in the knowledge that there is no honor among thieves, Your Miss Lobotomy is quite certain that there will eventually be a fallingout, possibly resulting in name-calling and fisticuffs, probably in public, which will enliven many a dull winter’s evening to come!

Stay tuned, constant readers!