COUP ATTEMPT FAILS; 3 SELECTMEN CHASTISED – Oh, my, gentle readers, hasn’t the last sennight been an EXCITING one? Were not the cocktails of your hearts warmed almost to the boiling point by the interest displayed in the mis-government of our beloved minitropolis? Your Miss Lobotomy is QUITE certain that she has NEVER seen SUCH a high level of excitement in her two months in this most dysfunctional of communities. Why, the feverish atmosphere on the evening of the Grand Conclave of Munisipal Bodies was such as might have been exhibited in days of yore when a public hanging was about to take place!

As was indicated previously, First, Second and Third Selectmen Snowjob, Naumnuttz and Clinchpoop and Trustee Merkin plotted to oust Municipal Catcatcher Nylon and take over control of their respective municipalities, all in the name of better and cheaper gummint. However, as YML foresaw, the army of cat owners in town, plus several of Catcatcher Nylon’s friends, turned out in such numbers to protest this ill-intentioned move that by meeting’s end, the miscreants were forced to recant, and the position was restored to the budget.

Whilst the rout was total and the vote nearly unanimous, several cynical persons were heard to remark that the fat lady had not yet sung, and that further nefarious doings were to be expected. This fits with YML’s own view, which is that, for the nonce, although the Flagellated Four have gone to their boltholes, the passions in their black hearts were not stilled by their public chastisement, and that they will, without doubt, be meditating further outrages.

As for the Fourth and Fifth Selectmen, whose fates would have been VERY hard under the kakistocratical regime envisioned by their confreres, the derailing of the conspiracy saved them from being tied to chairs in the Village hoosegow and forced to listen to the collected diatribes of Squatley Flummage.

Following the triumph of an aroused citizenry over the Forces of Dysfunction, Myopia and Pettifoggery, the principal supporters of Catcatcher Nylon repaired to the Catamount Tavern to toss about the flowing bowl and drink the health of Congress and the people.

BRAIN DONATIONS REQUESTED – As the Esteemed Editor of this fine gazette is the recipient weekly of news releases numbering in the quarter-dozens, he customarily assigns these to his small but hard-working staff for further investigation. Such a one was dropped into YML’s in-box on the back step of the office where she sits hunched over her Smith- Corona portable typewriter pecking out her weekly column.

“NFL ASKS PLAYERS TO DONATE BRAINS FOR STUDY,” proclaimed the headline. If YML read the press release a-right, it appears that representatives of the Natural Football League turn up at every game and ask players to donate their brains. As it seems that many players are fully capable of playing without brains, they have been happy to comply with the request and to donate on the spot. The League employs skilled trepanners to carry out this work; they open the skull, lift out the brain and place it in a one-pint container filled with medicinal gin, fill the resulting cavity with a couple of jalapeno peppers, and hot-glue the skull back into place. The procedure takes less than five minutes, and the players are then sent back into the game. Just what the NFL intends to do with all of these brains has not been made clear; the release was somewhat fuzzy as regards that detail.

Thinking that the study might have some local applicability, Your Miss Lobotomy called Coach Bronko Nagurski Naugahyde of the Dog River Academy for Wayward Boys Champeenship football team for comment. The Coach firmly asserted that the DRAforWB footballers would not be participating in the study, now or in the future. “At the Academy,” the Coach stated, “we require that our fine, upstanding young men, wayward though they may be, all have brains, which they are called upon to use several times each and every day. Furthermore,” the Coaching Legend went on, “we check weekly to make sure that their brains are intact, and that they are being used for the proper purposes. No,” the Coach averred, striking a pose reminiscent of Horatius at the Bridge, “our lads are required to keep their brains at least until they graduate, at which point, they’re on their own.”

Your Miss Lobotomy is of the opinion that the Flagellated Four ought to consider making a donation to the NFL study, since they are plainly NOT using THEIR brains.