TRAGIC NEWS REGARDING MISS LOBOTOMY – Mister Editor, I write to tell you of the terrible tragedy which befell my cousin Aineeda Lobotomy and my own dear Siamese-twin-sister-separated-atbirth Lepidoptera on their unicycle trip to Montreal. Things were going swimmingly; their tow-behind trailers were packed with everything they needed for a jolly vacation and they were making excellent time on the back roads of Vermont. They arrived at the border at midnight and started across, finding some difficulty getting their trailers over the ruts in the cornfield where they were making their ingress. They were almost back to the cowpath which was to take them to the dirt road which would lead them to their destination when they were accosted by burly men with firearms who rudely demanded to know why they were sneaking into Canada under cover of darkness. Cousin Aineeda did her best to persuade the men of the purity of her intentions, but the minions of the gendarmerie insisted upon escorting them to the appropriate officials for further discussion.

Unfortunately, in the minute examination of their effects, the border guards slit open the spare tire on my dear cousin’s unicycle (can you believe their effrontery?), and out fell several thousand gold coins (it was a large tire) from certain mediatized principalities of the late Holy Roman Empire. Her explanation to the stony-faced flics that this was an inheritance from our joint great-grandmother Polyhymnia Lobotomy fell upon disbelieving ears, although nothing to the contrary could be proved. After more official badgering, the travelers were allowed to go on to Montreal, although they were cautioned to hold themselves available for additional discussions. However, my cousin’s unicycle and trailer (to say nothing of the gold coins) were impounded “for further investigation,” in the sterile and somewhat off-putting language of these hard-hearted creatures of the state.

Thus, they were forced to double up on Lepidoptera’s unicycle, Cousin Aineeda riding upon my sister’s shoulders all the way to Montreal and a flophouse on St. Catherine Street where they had engaged a room. For three days following, the two romped along that lively thoroughfare, the police not having discovered the money belt stuffed with Turkish piasters worn by my dear sister. Soon after this Cousin Aineeda began to droop, in part because of her legal difficulties, but principally because of the cruel attack upon her and the entire Lobotomy family which appeared in YOUR paper, Mister Editor! Yes, she took this very hard, did my beloved cousingerman, for the Lobotomies are a very old, not to say ancient and even pre-historic, family of spotless name and blameless reputation. Indeed, the first Lobotomy appeared contemporaneously with Adam and Eve, and while these earliest of our ancestors did not reside in the Garden of Eden (it being the high-rent district), they dwelt in the adjacent Trailer Park of Eden – at least until the Unfortunate Incident made things hot for everyone else in the vicinity and all the residents had to vacate the province.

Taking this unprovoked personal attack greatly to heart, Cousin Aineeda resolved to do away with herself, and having heard the Jacques Cartier Bridge was of a sufficient height to achieve her end, gave sister Lepidoptera the slip and headed thence. As my cousin’s French was somewhat sketchy, she ended up at the Jack Carpenter Bridge at the other end of town. Although the bridge seemed somewhat close to the surface of the water, Cousin Aineeda climbed onto the railing and threw herself over the side – right onto the deck of a boat passing a mere six feet below. The deck was awash with Greek fishermen, lying stuporous after a fortnight’s debauch in the seedier districts of the great city, so her fall was cushioned and she sustained no injury, other than to her pride. While it IS true that Greek fishermen are in different, they nevertheless accepted Cousin Aineeda as a gift from the gods and made the best of the situation. Not to be impolite, Cousin Aineeda did the same, of course, and is now on her way to the Cyclades in search of squid.

As for my sister Lepidoptera, she continues to assist the police in their inquiries. This being the case, Your Humble Correspondent herewith offers herself as a replacement for Cousin Aineeda.

Cordially, (Miss) Hysterectoma Gutthwacker

EDITOR’S NOTE – The above arrived by carrier pigeon Friday last. Your very grumpy Editor is of the opinion that filling Miss Lobotomy’s position with an escaped axe-murderer, a used-car salesman or a state legislator would produce the same result as hiring Miss Gutthwacker, but as she inherited Miss Lobotomy’s typewriter, she’ll have to do unless or until someone better comes along.