CHARLEY’S CUPBOARD – Oh, my, all you reading-type persons, your very own Miss Gutthwacker learn something new and excitable last week after we got done of writing our columnar-type material for this noosepaper. We was going around with our ears to the grinding-type-stone when we hear two somebodys (we think they was somebodys, anyhow, but maybe they was otherbodys, we not too sure) talking about the Director of Sporting-Type-Events Misinformation (we din’t catch his name, on accounts of they was whispering) up to the Dog River Academy for Wayward Boys, but what we think was, is he have something call Charley’s Cupboard (leastways that is what we are believing it is call, not being too able to hear what they say, as we mention). From what we could catch, it sound like he keep all kind of stuff in it that gots to do with sporting type things like old footsballs, goffballs, tennis pucks, dominos, tiddly-winks, so forth and so on, and every so often he drag one of these out of his cupboard and kick it around so to give people a idea of what is going on up to the Academy, sports-wise. Also he write what the score is and the name of the boys doing the playing, you know. One of these somebodys say he seen Charley do some fancy snake-dancing when one of Coach Naugahyde’s footsballs players bring in his pet cobra, say it look like a Irish jig-type dancer on speed, he never seen no ones feets move so fast. Now, as you prolly could of guess, this columnar-type person got good imaginationable type thinking, but we gots to admit we is having a hard time to get a picture-type thought in mind of Mister Charley dancing a jig with a cobra (it prolly take lots of practice, is what we been thinking, on account of they would of not want to be dancing cheek-tocheek). The other somebodys say, no, Charley look more like a whirling dervish on ice skates getting a panic attack. Well, whatsoever it is, if anybody gots a video of this, we would like to see it. Also, we a kind of curiosity-type itch about the cupboard, wonder how big it is to hold all that stuff, so we would like to hear more, or better than that, maybe a personal tour.

ALTERCATION CONSTERNATION – WELL! Right after we hear about Charley, we was walking down the street when Oliver Sudden, what do you think happen? Right in front of the Mayonnaise Building this big shouting match break out between Squatley Flummage, the so-call publisher of the Pseudonymous Press, Trustamental type person Tarassis Merkin, and Chief Crumb Wasabi about which one of them gots better ideas for this burg. They was going at it hamper and tongues, words flying allover the place, and everybody getting pretty flusterated. Pretty soon they was throwing punches, so somebody call Third Constable Waffleblaster and his deputy, Chief Nylon, who was back in town on account of they need a break from chasing the three skunky selectmentals (also the rum was getting low). WHOA, the Constable yell real loud-like, you miscreants must cease and desist from this furious altercation, as it is causing consternation in the center of our peaceful minitropolis. Him and Chief Nylon was trying to put hand-type cuffs on Flummage and Merkin, on account of they was the two ones what was nearest, but Wasabi keep dancing around the edges, making faces and slapping the other two with wallet-size pikes which he happent to have on his person, on account of he just come back from the Hinterlands Hinternational Wallet-Size Pike Fishing Champeenship (it kind of look like the Norwegian fish-slapping dance, if you know what we mean), only now and then he hit the Constable or the Chief with a pike, of which they was not liking very much, on account of they is not care very much for fish. Anyhows, the officers of the law finally gets the cuffs on Flummage and Merkin and throw their butts into the village paddywagon, but they was not able to catch Wasabi on account of they keep slipping on all the wallet-size pike on the ground (somebody say they look a lot like Mister Charley doing his snake-dance), so Wasabi get away for this time, even though he were altercating and consternating as bad as the other two. Tsk, tsk, tsk, dearly belovable readers, what IS we coming to in this one-horse town, when a somebody can throw fish around and not get punish? But, what we seen is that Wasabi is a slippery as a grease walletsize pike, so what you going to do?