EDITOR’S UPDATE ON REPLACEMENT “COLUMNIST” – Harrumph. Your Editor is in no great humor as he writes this, having had, for the past sennight, to take valuable time away from solving Pressing Local, National and International Issues in order to come up with a replacement for the latest in a long and sorry line of accident-prone occupiers of this space (We hesitate to call them columnists), which, according to the latest Gallup Poll, averages between four-point-eight and sevenpoint six readers per week. You might well ask (as We expect you do) why We would continue to use up space which might better be devoted to listing hog prices in Chicago, beer futures in Milwaukee, or the misdeeds of the quite useless and clueless so-called celebrities which fill the pages of the Daily Press. The answer is simple: The columnist is cheaper. In order to obtain the aforementioned items, your Editor would have to pay Real Money, whereas the previous occupants of these inches have been content with an assigned space on the back stoop of the Mayonnaise Building, a quire of paper every fortnight, the use on a rotating basis of the paper’s portable typewriter, the choice of either gruel or porridge for lunch, and the munificent (and as yet quite undeserved) salary of $7.00 per month. There is also the use of the newspaper’s penthouse (a two-person tent on the roof of the Mayonnaise Building), a not inconsiderable benefit. Despite all of these perquisites, We seem only to have attracted the lowest sort of scrivener, commencing with that boob, Bimbleburger. However, be that as it may, We advertised for a replacement, and are now (dis)pleased to present the “qualifications” of several of the candidates (the economy must REALLY be bad if these people are seriously considering THIS job!). Each was asked to list his, her or their qualifications, and to state succinctly what perspective he, she or they would bring to the job. The responses, QUITE unedited, follow.

Oddly Nuggins, Municipal Porcupine Wrangler: I be the Town Porkypine Rangler, like me fodder afore me, and me ole grampap afore him, all t’way back to first Nuggins in these-here parts. Me job be t’keep order in Slectmental meetin by knockin em on head ifn they gettin too obstreperous or obfuscatory. T’way I figger is, ifn I c’n do that all these many long year, I be smart enuf to write column, which don’t seem to take no brains a’tall.

Miss Gloxinia Portmanteau, Exotic Dancer – Mister Editor, I am the Proprietor of the Poles Apart Exotic Dance Studio, Massage Parlour and Grog Shop, located in the basement of the Widgerly Building. As MANY Prominent Persons of this indescribable place, and ALL of the three Selectmentals presently inhabiting a tree just outside town, are my Faithful Clientele, I feel I have as good a grasp of local foibles as ANYONE in town, and for that reason, deserve the chance to retail those experiences to your Large and Educated Readership (OR not, if the payment is large enough!).

George Washington Wingnut, Attorney – Listen here, Editor, as I have seen life from the Heights of Success (a bluff overlooking town, cheek-byjowl with Lovers’ Leap) as well as from the Slough of Despond, I consider myself MORE than qualified to discuss the Oddities and Curiosities any sentient being can observe on any street corner of this municipality. Besides, my probation officer says I need the community service hours.

S. Quincy Balderdash, Professor of Psycho- Numerology and holder of the Chair in Disembodied Notions at the Dog River Academy for Wayward Boys, and Visiting Professor of Swedish Massage & Ribald Banter at Frau Krinkheimer’s Finishing School – Worthy & Most Estimable Editor, the Undersigned believes himself to be THE most qualified of all applicants, living and dead, for this Important Position, by virtue of his Vast Knowledge, Impeccable Ancestry, and Highly Developed social and literary skills. By employing This Writer, you could raise the intellectual level of this gazette by many notches and virtually assure yourself of the Pullet Surprise for Finest Column by a Noted Authority. (Besides, we need to supplement our meager salary at the DRAforWB with some REAL money!)

We conclude for the week, as this is but the first installment; more applicants will be presented next time and the NEXT next time, should it be necessary, until all have had their vitae aired. At the conclusion of this, our readers will have the opportunity to vote for Miss Gutthwacker’s successor.