I’M NOT ALL that bright, but I’m kind of a word-nerd. I’m easily and, probably inappropriately, annoyed by the misuse of language. You can cheat me, lie to me, even cut me off on the highway, and I’ll let it slide. But a hanging preposition at the end of your sentence is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

Last Tuesday, Merlin Remington, my supervisor at work, handed me the company’s 80 page employee policy manual, and said, “Joe, please peruse this at your leisure, when you get a minute, and then return it to me.”

“Okay, Merlin,” I replied. “You’re the boss. I’ll peruse the manual if you’d like, but it’ll take me all day. Don’t you have something else for me to do today?”

Merlin’s eyes widened and I could measure his pulse by watching the blood flow through the dilated arteries at his temples. I knew I had him.

“Don’t give me that crap, Joe. Just quickly peruse the manual, initial the last page, and return it to me.”

“You’re confusing me, Merlin. How can I quickly study the manual in great detail?” I asked.

Merlin’s forehead furrowed. “Don’t study it, Joe. Just peruse it.”

“But, to peruse is to study in great detail. Check out Webster’s Dictionary.”

A lot of folks overuse and misuse the word “literally”. There’s a commercial running on the TV right now, in which one of the actors says, “The savings were so amazing, I literally fell out of my chair!” Oh, come on; does she expect me to believe she was so excited she keeled over and landed on her back on the linoleum, legs and arms pointing towards heaven, spastically flailing about? I doubt that.

I hadn’t seen my cousin, Ernie, since we were in college, where I introduced him to his lovely wife, Sarah. Sarah was one of the prettiest girls at Smalltown State. I can’t imagine what she saw in Ernie. Anyway, during a recent conversation, he told me they have a beautiful, blonde-haired, blue eyed, five year-old granddaughter, Emily, who is the “spitting image” of Sarah. I’m not sure how to take that. Does Ernie mean that sweet little Emily looks like her grandmother only when she spits? Does she spit a lot? Does Sarah spit a lot now? Do they both chew Red Man or Copenhagen and carry a paper spit cup?

I suspected Ernie meant to say that Emily is the “spit and image” of her lovely grandmother; at least, I hope so.

Finally, the grammar misuse, which I’m sure goes unnoticed by normal people, but drives me crazy, is the misplacement of the word “only” in a sentence. I hear it every day, even from the mouths of learned broadcast analysts and political pundits.

I’m sure Al Dubin was trying to pay the ultimate complement to the object of his classic song, I Only Have Eyes for You. But, did he really mean he liked only the way his lover looked; that her voice made his skin crawl or, that he found her personality exceedingly annoying? I doubt it. I suspect he meant, I Have Eyes Only for You. I guess that doesn’t sound as good, and he should be allowed to play the poetic license card, but it still annoys me.

What if I told you I only got to church on Sundays? Would you believe I spend all day at prayer service and never watch football, drink beer, fish, or play poker on Sundays? No, the truth is I go to church only on Sundays . . . hardly ever on a Wednesday.

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