CHIEF NYLON TAKES A HEADER – Your Miss Gutthwacker can report that Poor Old Broken-Down Chief Nylon had quite a fall recently as he went out to fill the bird, squirrel, rabbit, pigeon, deer and skunk feeders that decorate the perimeter of his demesne. It was a dark and stormy night, the snow was heavy, the footing was treacherous, and as the Chief lumbered toward the feeding stations with a 50-pound bag of mixed wildlife food on each shoulder, his feet went out from under him and he performed a complete revolution in the air ere he made a three-point landing on his head, elbow and gluteus. 

This was observed by the Chief’s faithful companion, Bob, the Famous Attack and Dancing Cat, who was perched in the bedroom window. Normally Bob would have assisted the Chief, but one of his snowshoes had a broken strap and he was unable to make do with the remaining three. Upon seeing the Chief execute his 360, Bob raced downstairs to alert Missus Chief Nylon. Unfortunately, Missus Chief was absorbed in knitting Kelly-green pullovers for the staff of the Nasty Clover with one hand and making sausage with the other, so Bob’s frantic mewing and paw motions failed to attract her attention. He glanced over at the telephone, but, alas, it was mounted on the wall and operated by a crank, which, as he lacked opposable thumbs, he was unable to operate. 

Bob then tore into the dining room and leapt onto the table, where the Chief’s Eye-Pad sat. By a stroke of good fortune, it was on, for the Chief had been in an on-line game room playing master’s-level tiddly-winks – but, by a stroke of misfortune, Bob’s paws could not manage the keys. Desperate for a solution, and on the verge of either hurling himself through the kitchen window or biting Missus Chief in the leg to attract her attention, the faithful feline’s eye lighted on the stub of a pencil with which the Chief had been sketching out his next moves in the game room. Bob chomped down on the business end of the stub, and by attacking the keys with the eraser, sent a message for help. 

In the time it took to read a volume of the 1911 Encyclopaedia Britannica, the ambulance crew was on the scene, having misunderstood Bob’s message. Thinking he meant Chief Teflon, the EMTs drove to the residence of trusteerial Maximus Glutinous, to whom nothing sticks. Finding him alive and plotting, the life-savers re-read the message and hared off toward the Nylon residence. There they found the supine Chief covered by a protective layer of pigeons, who wished to shield their benefactor from the falling snow; draped over his size 20 boots were a dozen skunks who also benefitted from his largesse. Straddling his forehead and chin were a number of gray squirrels doing their best to keep his body temperature up. 

As the ambulance pulled in the Chief began to stir, moaning and thrashing about. Just as the EMTs attempted to slide a body bag over him, thinking that he was in his death throes, Missus Chief Nylon opened the front door to see what was going on; Bob raced outside and made a flying leap onto the nearest EMT, who let go of the bag with a shriek. This alarmed the rest of the crew, who, believing that they were under attack by a herd of fisher cats, jumped back into the ambulance and sped away. With the assistance of Bob and Missus Chief, the Chief rose to his feet and staggered into the house. Medical attention was refused, but the liberal application of ice packs and hot cocoa soon restored the Chief to his usual self. Other than a dent in his skull the size of a Mineola orange and a sore elbow, no damage was observed. 

 

NEW CAR WASH TO OPEN – A news release received states that a car wash will be opening in the Marsupial Building in the space previously occupied by the disgraced former manageress, Mimsy Borogrove. No explanation was given as to how the authorities were persuaded to give their consent to such an unusual use of public space, but this IS Northfield, after all, and as the owner and operator of the car wash is local gadabout and entrepreneur Walawahoohoo Wasabi, that seemed to be sufficient to account for it.

Wasabi indicated that he has sub-contracted from the Pet Casket King of Northfield some of the PCKN’s surplus convict labor at very low rates. Water will be supplied by two surplus Syrian Army water cannons, while the drying function will be accomplished by a battery of slightly used leaf blowers. The release states that rates will be competitive, but warns that those who complain about the service will be invited to take their vehicles to the adjacent drive-through car crusher.  

 

CORRECTION ABOUT BAR-MAKER MACCARDUNKIN – This Columniste must make a small emendation to a recent column concerning the spurious psychedelic wine-bottle stoppers. Immediately the item appeared, we received a telegram from the Famous Scottish Bar-Maker Vegan MacCardunkin, who gargled (he gargles even in print) that he denied the denials, and that he DOES have SOME recollections of the 1970s, along with a few of the ‘80s. However, as he was Under the Ban, he was not allowed to disclose just WHAT those recollections were, else he would have to commit murther and mayhem in the name of National Security, using his distant sister-in-law as the unguided missile (or possibly he said, using his unguided sister-in-law as the distant missile – we’re not sure which). As This Columniste is understandably averse to having either murther or mayhem committed upon her person, we are willing to accept the bar-maker’s protestations at face value.