2013-01-17 / News

Silly Social Scenes


DEEM-SQUIRREL’S NEW RADIO STATION WILL FEATURE BOB – Whilst the father-son reunion drama was unfolding behind World Famous Henry-O’s last week, a news item was announced which will have far greater impact than the fact that Tumulus “Tum” Beastley is now a claimant to the extinct kingship of Yugoslavia.

Using some of his proceeds from the smash-hit “Life of Bob” teevee series, radio mogul Kembley Deem-Squirrel purchased station WYUK in the Second City of VT for the low, low price of $109.95 (tax included). The nowpeppy Deem-Squirrel (peppy since his Geritol was restored to him, that is) stated that forthwith, if not sooner, the station’s call letters would be changed to WBOB in tribute to the Worlds Smartest Cat (and source of KDS’s sudden infusion of cash). Furthermore, as honorary President General of the station, Bob will have a major say in the programming, which is expected to have a more feline orientation than in the past. According to reliable sources, Bob contributed more than half of the purchase price from the proceeds of a pawnshop he and Chief W.C. Nylon opened at Bob’s camp on The Big Lake. Citing confidentiality, Bob declined to comment on the report, while Chief Nylon was nearly as taciturn, confining himself to a loud guffaw.

WBOB is expected to go on-air in about a fortnight with the new format, a mix of mews from the world of cats, cat-related sports reports, and cat-themed music and dramatic readings. P

HILPOTT GIVES UP PIRATE SEARCH FOR WINTER – Lieutenant-Captain Skip Philpott, deputy commander of the state’s Naval Militia, has gone into winter quarters in Mountpeculiar, but has not conceded control of The Big Lake to the notorious picaroons, Black Bob and Pirate Billy. “No, indeed,” the Lieutenant Governator intoned firmly, hand over his heart, “I shall return ‘when spring brings back blue days and fair’ and resume the search for those merciless menaces, those dastardly doers of dire deeds, those pestilentially precocious picaroons, with my brave crew of hardy lads (well, all except Walawahoohoo Wasabi, the weakest of weak reeds, albeit he knows how to pull an oar).” As the music soared in the background, the Light Guv reached his peroration, saluted the flag, kissed a baby, signed autographs and marched out, campaign staff in tow, to preside over the Senate, a task even less rewarding than chasing pirates around the Lake. B



THE WINTER; PIRATICAL ACTIVITY ON BIG LAKE CEASES – Bob the World’s Smartest Cat and his major domo, Chief Nylon, have returned from Bob’s stately manor on the shores of The Big Lake to the Nylon residence here, the Lake having become somewhat too solid for pleasurable cruising on Bob’s yacht. However, Bob let it be known that ere they departed, he and the Chief went for a dip in the chilly waters, the Chief being a member of the Polar Bear Club. The Chief hacked a hole in the ice large enough for himself and Bob to enter and promptly plunged in up to his nose. Like every cat, Bob disdains baths, but is not averse to an occasional swim, and was thus togged out in a wet suit, scuba tanks, mask and flippers. He paddled around beneath the ice cutting fishing lines, thereby saving numerous members of the finny tribe to live another day. (Bob admits to enjoying piscine treats, though he would never intentionally slay a fish; he eats only tuna that commit suicide by leaping into fishing boats.)

When asked by this Columnatorialist if they had seen the fearsome duo of Black Bob and Pirate Billy, Bob and the Chief looked meaningfully at each other, snickered, and, barely restraining their laughter, gurgled that they hadn’t. However, it is a fact, as reported by Lieutenant-Captain Philpott, that piratical activity on The Big Lake has ceased, which means that the town’s most famous resident and his aide-de-camp will no longer be badgered by buccaneers. When we pointed this out to the duo, they burst into laughter and rolled around on the floor for several minutes.


ABOUT BOB – Our source inside the Grumpy Old Men’s Breakfast Club reports that all but one of the members were unhappy about the amount of ink devoted to The World’s Smartest Cat and were planning a petition to consign Bob to the classified ads page. However, word leaked out to Chief Nylon, proprietor of the Economy Diner, who put down his size 14 shoe and advised that if they were unhappy with Bob, they were welcome to find a new meeting place, at which there was considerable shuffling of feet and avoidance of eye contact. Handing out ballots, the Chief announced that a vote would be conducted, and to ensure that the poll was both fair and balanced, he would tally the results himself after assisting each member to mark his ballot. Interestingly enough, the result was unanimous in favor of continued extensive coverage of Bob, following which the members slunk out looking slightly embarrassed.

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