2013-04-18 / Features

Silly Social Scenes

folks, you better read this one
New & Improved Columnatorialist

“You have to be careful.” The Editor




UP THEIR MUSKETS! Oh my, dear few faithful readers, things are hotting up in this somnolent little burg, and we DON’T just mean the recent attempt by a selectmoron to burn down the town! Things are MUCH worse than that, if you can believe it (and anyone who fails to believe the REALLY dumb things that happen here ought to sign up for a bed in the soon-to-be-built loony hospital!) – and your Miz Mayhem is the first to bring you the news!

For days rumors circulated of a shadowy figure slipping into the Marsupial Building at odd hours of the day and night (one o’clock, three o’clock, five o’clock, and so on), although lips were sealed within that structure, as this Columnatorialist found when we attempted to engage employees in conversation. All they had to say was “Mmmmff” or “Unph-unph” while pointing to the tube of Gorilla Glue on the countertop and gesturing in the direction of the posh selectmental or trusteerial suites whilst rolling their eyes and tearing at their hair. Nodding sagely, we took ourself off before we found ourself on the receiving end of the tube of glue, convinced that skullduggery was afoot.

We made haste for the headquarters of We Can Help Personal & Corporate Services & Odd Jobs, where we sketched an idea to Chief Nylon, proprietor, and to Bob the Wonder and World’s Smartest Cat, the real brains of the outfit. For a Modest Consideration (which we hid on our expense account as a trip to ), we engaged We Can Help to set up hidden cameras in the Marsupial Building. Although Chief Nylon is far too recognizable to enter the building, even in a blonde wig, and as his Known Associates are also known, the task of insinuating the equipment into the building was left to Bob, a master in the art of disguise. In a matter of minutes following his entry a dozen cameras were in place, wirelessly sending their images to the Black Room in the Economy Diner, where Bob and the Chief watched and made notes.

After only a few hours, a familiar figure skulked into the building, holding a newspaper (not this one, which she despises) in front of her face. Making her way to the empty office of the Village manager, she planted herself in his chair, read his mail, signed his letters, spent down his budget, and ordered out for pizza. After a couple of hours she made her way out, holding, though she despised it, a copy of the merger proposal in front of her face, the newspaper having been rendered useless by pizza grease.

The next day she returned, her face shielded by a well-thumbed copy of Peyton Place. She made for the empty office of the Town manager and repeated the procedure of the day before, except that she ordered mushroom bread pudding, turnip fries and boiled kale from the Nasty Clover Pub. She ate it all except for the kale, which she tossed under the desk to her tame selectmoron who lurked there. On the conclusion of her labors, she shuffled out, her all-toofamiliar phizz screened by the National Enquirer, Peyton Place having been gobbled up by the selectmoron.

By now, you deductive reasoners, you, will have guessed the identity of the skulker, (Miz Mayhem has the smartest readers in town!), and will have concluded that it was none other than the hated, despised, and annoying Mimsy Borogrove, whom everyone in town thought we were shot of. Yes, she it was, making herself at home in the building where once she held sway, taking advantage of the frequent absences of the two managers to stick her fingers back into things again.

As might be expected, Bob was outraged when he saw the video, and immediately woke Chief Nylon from his post-lunch, pre-dinner nap with the news and together the Dynamic Duo (though most of the dynamism is on Bob’s part) made plans. They hied themselves to the Judas Tree on the outskirts of town to ensure that it was ready to receive residents, and then sent an alert to Peedy Aitch and the Cousins Three (Cousin Mary, Cousin Lizzie, and the Tiny Texas Termite) to abandon their dull retirements, ready the ancestral weaponry, and take up their stations around the Judas Tree. Although Bob’s appointment book is crammed with personal appearances, recording sessions, book signings, and teevee guest hostings, he signed up for two slots daily at the Tree to ensure that once Mimsy and the current selectmoron were incarcerated, the fear and trepidation would be sufficient to keep them treed.

Naturally, your Miz Mayhem will dig until she uncovers the reason why the pestiferous Mimsy is back – and we expect that it will NOT be pretty! Why, this is even more unbelievable than the rehabilitation of Richard Nixon!

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