2017-07-13 / Features

Silly Social Scenes

A Wand'ring Minstrel (Nye)

THE BOBSEARCH ENDS IN SUCCESS! – Despite Wasabi’s screaming gray cells, which increased in volume and frenzy as he neared “Oak Leaf,” the Wild Man of No’field continued bravely on, unwilling to cede to the Mongolians the honor of liberating Bob from durance vile.

    Bat-Erdene, on the other hand, knew the cause of Wasabi’s heebie-jeebies through information obtained over his bag phone (the very one formerly owned by the Ex-Pet Casket King of No’field and which that “very imperfect ablutioner” still boasted as being the first in the state), by a few tosses of the knuckle bones, and by a quick session with his Ouija board, so he watched with keen interest (and a soupcon of amusement) to see how things would turn out ere they reached the property in question.

    A moment later they rounded the last corner and saw a large sign reading “Oak Leaf Farm: Stern Treatment for Cats & Men Suffering from Severe Compulsions to Do Bad Things in Public Settings.” Immediately he saw the sign, Wasabi attempted to flee, the last barrier in what passed for his brain having come crashing down and admitting a flood of memories about Oak Leaf Farm. However, the percipient Bactrian camel quickly stretched his long neck and took a firm grip on Wasabi’s bike helmet, forcing the Wild Man (now wilder than usual) to continue on as the seekers-after-Bob thundered down the last hundred Mongolian alds to the entrance.

    Straightaway, the gates swung open and out came the majestic Bugatti limousine, driven by retired Coast Guardsman Perky, with Bob and Chief Nylon inside. Gliding to a stop just feet from the putative rescuers, Perky put down the window and politely inquired of the hysterical, wildly jabbering, buck-naked Wasabi what brought him to the Farm. Ere the Wild Man could answer, Bob recognized Bat-Erdene and Batbayar from his quite memorable trip to Mongolia and commenced a colloquy with the Mongolians.

    As Wasabi gibbered and thrashed in an attempt to escape, Perky explained that, concerned by the public spectacle Bob and the Chief made of themselves in the champagne fountain at the Capitol, he thought it best to take the pair to Oak Leaf Farm, where they could dry out, eat wholesome (if completely unappetizing) meals of kale, mushroom bread pudding and Vegan meat, and contemplate their character defects in a tranquil setting behind high walls and razor wire. (Perky was never to know that his charges went over the wall every night to roister at low dives and speakeasies in the nearby hamlet of Overhill, sneaking back at dawn in time for reveille, whilst he, all unknowing, slept the sleep of the innocent and just and dined like Paleolithic Man.) Despite their nocturnal debauches, Bob and his Principal Flunkey appeared hale and hearty, to the great joy of the Mongolians, who prepared to lead a cavalcade back to Mountpeculiar.

    Wasabi, on the other hand, was tackled by two white-coated men who, with giant butterfly nets, snared the eely, madly shrieking Wild Man while shouting that having escaped from captivity on earlier occasions, THIS time he was going back inside to complete his five interrupted cures. Curses and tears availed him not, and as he was carried through the gates, Perky, his passengers, and the Mongolians waved a cheerful good-bye and set out for the capital city . . .

    . . . where the Governator, Il Senatore Don Riccardo, a host of flunkeys and functionaries, AND Sir Aethelred-the-Unready and his entourage, awaited the return of the World’s Smartest Cat, having been alerted by Perky via Bat-Erdene’s bag phone. Sir Aethelred, having lost considerable face through the machinations of his batman, Lumbert (or possibly Humbert) Smeekle, was blustering his excuses as word arrived from HM the Queen that She had decided, albeit with the Greatest Possible Regret, to accept the resignation of the Director-General of WC-1, albeit HM’s acceptance was offset by the conferring on Sir Aethelred of the Barony of Great Dorking-Under-Ware, thus salving his considerable pride. Named as Joint Directors-General of WC-1 (the Queen’s Own Water Closet Security Department) were the identical twins Lumbert and Humbert Smeekle, descendants of an ancient Druidical family long resident in Britain.

    As for Vlad Putrid, a ransom having been paid by his Dear Comrade Donny “Tiny Hands” Dumpster in Sodom-on-the-Potomac, the Russky dictator was freed from an abandoned chicken coop on the MacCardunkin Estate in Western East Roxbury and flown home on Air Farce Three, also courtesy of the repulsive Dumpster.

    On their arrival at the Capitol, the troupe from Oak Leaf was enthusiastically greeted and lavishly feted, the Mongolians especially, although both Perky and Bat-Erdene kept a close eye on Bob when the bottles of Dom Perignon were broken out. At the conclusion of the fete, Don Riccardo took his very dear Friend Bob for a spin in Il Senatore’s favorite Corvette as Chief Nylon clung to the bumper.

    Thus endeth the Saga of Bob’s Mysterious Disappearance & Miraculous Return, doubtless to the relief of most of Our 6.001 (Statistical) Readers (to say nothing of the Worthy Editor).

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