2017-09-07 / Features

Silly Social Scenes

A Wand'ring Minstrel (Nye)

SELECTFOOLS DITHER OVER REPLACEMENT! NOBODY LIKES ANYBODY! – No’field’s inept Bored of Selectfools, which is accustomed to spinning its wheels over trivialities and wasting hours debating inconsequentialities, has outdone itself in the nearly two months since its leftern-most member decamped in search of greener icebergs. Congenitally averse to common sense and promptitude, the four remaining Selex have repeatedly butted heads publicly and privately over a suitable replacement. Although nearly half of the eligible voters applied for the “privilege” of serving, the names of the candidates have been closely guarded and the members have been unusually close-mouthed on the subject, which is a great surprise in a vessel as porous and leak-prone as is the Bored. However, This Columnist Ad-Hoc managed to obtain a list of the seven individuals who survived seventeen rounds of winnowing, which We are pleased herewith to present.

    -Smedley Gorgonzola, Town Toper: The town’s most prominent imbiber, who is usually seen lurching across the Piazza Municipale in front of the Mayonnaise Building, can drink all of the Selectdodos under the table, which is probably the reason he can garner no more than the two votes of those whose own attributes most closely resemble his own. His strength is that he would not lower the intellectual level any further than it has already sunk; his weakness is that he would not raise the average IQ any higher. Odds: 37-6.

    -Oddly Nuggins, Municipal Porcupine Wrangler: The longest-serving MPW in the history of this dyspeptic burg has held the title (which appears to be hereditary in his family for the obvious reason that no one else wants it) for 40-something years. Although he is generally shunned by the No’field Elite owing to the faint odor of deceased Erethizontidae that wafts from him, he would not be the most odoriferous person ever to serve, and he has a reputation for fiscal probity (unlike at least one serving member). He is known to have one firm vote and one possible vote. Odds: 16-29

    -Miss Pomponia Brickbat, Public Relationist: The formidable Miss Brickbat, whose very name suggests her approach to matters both public and private, is the PR flack whom all local ne’er-do-wells, unreformed criminals and aspiring politicians invariably consult in their crises (she is widely believed to have exercised her magic on behalf of at least one Selectmoron, who represents her sole vote). However, her abrasive manner makes her a suitable target for Mr. Nuggins. Odds 71-44.

    -George Washington Wingnut, Attorney: This local lawyer shares office space with Miss Brickbat and often provides his services to the needier of her clients. As his name indicates, however, Lawyer Wingnut has a penchant for conspiracy theories and political movements on the lunatic fringe, which ensures him the vote of one or two members. Odds 12-99.

    -Milo Wombat, Philosopher-at-Large: How Wombat ever made it onto the list is a mystery. While harmless, he is also generally thought to be gormless, witless and aimless. He can be seen roaming the streets of No’field with a dreamy expression on his face, thinking Deep & Significant Thoughts, although he has generally been incapable of putting any of them into effect. One Selectidiot is Deeply Impressed enough to vote for him. Odds: 68-154.

    -Miss Gloxinia Portmanteau, Ecdysiast: The exotic Miss Portmanteau, a frequent performer at Mulliner Knight’s House of Earthly Delights in Western East Roxbury, is considered by All & Sundry (a magazine devoted to the ecdysiastic trade) to be one of the top ten artistes in her line of work. (Credit Our favorite cynic, H.L. Mencken, with coining the name ecdysiast, by the way.) The tongues of the male members of the Bored hang out at the mere mention of her name and, were all things equal (which, of course, they never are), the delectable Miss Portmanteau could easily score three votes. However, there are wives to consider, so if Miss P wants to serve, she’ll have to run a campaign next winter. Odds: 50-50.

    -Bob the World’s Smartest Cat: We understand that Bob’s name appears on the list MUCH against the will of the Selex, who fear and resent the idea of being shown up at each and every meeting by the Muscular Black Cat’s superior intelligence, prodigious powers of perception, and clear-sighted view of The Public Good. However, a petition drive that netted 3,726 signatures demanding that he be considered forced the Selectbozos to add Bob’s name to the list. Alas, his odds are the worst of all: 946-33.


    JAM GENIE SUFFERS TERRIBLE ACCIDENT! NO JAM FOR A WHILE! – Whilst crawling over rocks on the shore of her palatial estate on The Big Lake in search of wild flora suitable for her famous jams and jellies, Missus Chief Nylon performed a one-and-a-half-gainer that resulted in the dislocation of her right shoulder and the fracture of her right wrist. (On the positive side, boaters who observed the accident gave her a perfect ten for the dive – without, however, coming to her rescue.) She managed to crawl to land and tap out HELP! on her eyefone.

    The message reached Chief Nylon and their son, the Heir to the Nylon Estates in Ireland, as they were on their way to camp to drag their yacht, the S.S. Bob TWSC, out of the water for the season. Accustomed to his spouse’s little jokes, the Chief guffawed merrily and insisted that he and his son stop for a leisurely lunch at a quaint little bistro outside Montreal before reversing course and heading back to Vermont. Fortunately for Missus Chief, a couple of urchins took pity on her and covered her with a bearskin rug pilfered from an adjacent camp. Although she was slightly blue around the gills when help arrived, the Jam Genie, who is made of remarkably tough stuff, came through the ordeal with flying colors. The worst part of her recovery, one suspects, will be listening to the Chief whine about what a martyr he is.



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