2017-10-26 / Features

Silly Social Scenes

A Wand'ring Minstrel (Nye)

MORE BOER WAR DISCUSSION –  Pace the Ex-Pet Casket King, the fact that the Worthy Editor’s recently delivered talk had NOTHING to do with the Boer War did not stop discussion about the subject at last Saturday’s meeting of the GOMBC. The Ex, who is nothing if not tenacious in clinging to his misinformation, was more than habitually mulish at breakfast (possibly owing to the fact that a New Cook in the kitchen transformed his usual sunny-side-up eggs into a solid mass, though he dared not complain, having a fear of Women With Knives), possibly in anticipation of the Editor’s forthcoming talk at the Old Men’s Eating & Talking Club.

    The Ex announced that if the Editor could talk about the Boer War, HE could discourse on one of his favorite subjects (one which, in fact, he gave to the same group several years previously), The Electric Car. An emphatic NO came from the Worthy Editor and from another visiting member of the OME&TC, at which the Ex said, well, then, he would talk about the national electric grid; this subject, too, was roundly denounced as BO-ring! Seven more equally arcane topics were shot down in flames until the stubby little engineer slyly stated that he was left no choice but to talk about the results of his DNA test and his descent from the Nelandersthals and their ancestor, Nelander, Chief of the Lost Tribe of Israel. This merely produced a round of guffaws from those present, who knew for a fact that the Ex had been hoaxed by somebody on the internet who preyed on the former second lieutenant of engineers’ gullibility to the extent of inducing him to purchase a quantity of “genuine relics” of the putative ancestor, including the skull of Nelander as a child, the first volume of Nelander’s memoirs (circa 10,000 B.C. and written in English, no less), and the Fabled Rock of Nelander, which was passed from father to eldest son in each generation.

    This threat produced no more than snickers and smirks (although there was a certain amount of wink, wink, nudge, nudge at the same time), after which the Ex subsided into a sullen silence and breakfast came to a close (although the Ex WAS heard to mutter sotto voce as he decamped that he STILL wasn’t interested in the Boer War).

    PAID ADVERTISEMENTS: In keeping with the Editor’s demand that This Columnist Ad-Hoc exert Ourself to Fatten the noosepaper’s Bottom Line, here follow some adverts paid for in cold cash, and obtained not without hazard to life and limb from recalcitrant businesses.

    TENTH NATIONAL BANK OF WESTERN EAST ROXBURY: Co-Presidents Vegan and Elfreida-Alice MacCardunkin announce that for a Limited Time Only (between one and one-oh-five Friday next), the Largest Bank in Western East Roxbury will be giving away to the first seven new depositors a lovely set of genuine pasteboard drink coasters imprinted with the photographs of the Co-Presidents in a variety of poses. New depositors eight through thirteen will each receive a firm handshake from one of the Co-Presidents, while depositors fourteen and upwards will be out of luck.

    MISSUS MCGILLICUDDY’S IRISH BAR & FUNERAL PARLOUR: For a limited time only on Saturday next (between ten p.m. and ten-oh-six), the eponymous Missus McGillicuddy will personally hand out to the first nine customers gift certificates worth five cents off any cocktail costing ten dollars or more, or a dollar off on any casket costing at least $3,000. Customers ten and upward will get the back of her hand.

    MOTHER MACHREE’S GAELIC PUB & WATERING HOLE: Not to be outdone by the competition, Mother Machree is offering a coupon for a free Shirley Temple to any customer who can drink ten Aunt Roberta cocktails without falling off the bar stool.

    BOB THE WORLD’S SMARTEST CAT’S YOGA STUDIO & SCHOOL OF EXOTIC DANCE: The Amazing, Multi-Talented Bob has resumed lessons in his tenth-floor studio in the Bob Building, A Landmark in Downtown No’field. The Muscular Black Cat will share the secrets he learned in years of lessons with the Masters of Eastern Yoga, including the greatest of all Yogis, Yoda, whose pioneering work with the yo-yo helped change the face of Modern Yoga. Thus, persons right here in our dyspeptic little burg can sign up for lessons from the Incomparable Bob, who will demonstrate Yogi Yoda’s Yo-Yo Yoga. Group lessons are a low, low $59.95 per 50-minute session, while personal sessions with Yogi Bob are available at $199.95 per half-hour. As always, demand is great and space is limited, so sign up today!

    JAM GENIE IS BACK IN BUSINESS! – The Jam Genie’s many loyal customers will be pleased that the jam shop is once again open for business following a jam drought that left local tongues hanging out after the Genie’s Unfortunate Accident with a bar of soap. As the Genie is still not 100% with her stirring arm, she has put her spouse, Chief Nylon, to work in the shop (although she keeps a VERY close eye on him, lest he run amok with the ingredients); she thinks he looks quite fetching in his frilly apron and puce beret, although the Chief disagrees.    

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