2017-12-07 / Features

Silly Social Scenes

A Wandering Mistrel (Nye)

“AS SEEN ON TEEVEE” UPDATE – As noted last week, CG(Ret.)R2C Perky had purchased a slew of Instant Pots whilst his long-suffering spouse slept the sleep of the Innocent & Just. Upon learning of this only upon the arrival a tractor-trailer in their yard and the disgorgement of several pallets of pots, great was the wrath of Missus Perky, but absent was her spouse, who thought it best to be Away when the delivery was made (contrary to his usual practice, which was to arrange for delivery when She Who Must Be Obeyed was off the prem).
The driver, innocent of knowledge of the Brewing Storm in the Domestic Circle, cheerily thrust at Missus Perky the acknowledgement of delivery – which the Irate Spouse declined to sign, wroth as she was (she being descended from several generations of Vikings). Hastily regaining the safety of his cab, the driver made haste to depart. (That in his alacrity to begone the driver drove straight through the Aggrieved Spouse’s bed of Gloxiniae Moribunda and smashed them to compost did not improve the Spousely temper – and she WAS Keeping Score!)
Considering that Drastic Measures were called for, Missus Perky ransacked the house until she unearthed all of the teevee remotes hidden by her wily spouse (not for nothing had Perky risen to the Exalted Rank of Radioman 2nd Class, a position only slightly less important than that of the Admiral Commanding). She then smashed them to smithereens with a ball peen hammer, ground them to powder, and buried the detritus under a clump of Philodendritus Mediolanum. That done, she called the Salvation Navy to the house and gave them all six of their teevees, requesting that the devices be sent to some foreign country, like Puerto Rico. 
Her labors completed, the Grande Dame of Gardening made herself a cup of rose hip tea and awaited the return of the Offending Spouse. What transpired upon the return of the Merry Miscreant We can only surmise, but as it was a thoroughly chastened Perky who appeared at the next GOMBC, one might assume that there will be no more As See On Teevee purchases for the near future.

BOB “AS SEEN ON TEEVEE” CLASS ENDS IN DISASTER – Bob the World’s Smartest Cat’s special class on the use of the fabled Instant Pot was given, as advertised, on December 2. As was to be expected, all seats were filled in the Bob Building’s capacious auditorium, as were several classrooms in the building, to which the class was beamed by teevee cameras. 
As is the custom of the Brilliant Black Cat, he made a number of tickets available to the Less Fortunate (six, as nearly as can be determined) so they could see how the One Percent lives. Bob’s flunky, Chief Nylon, descended to the Piazza Municipale for the distribution, where he was instantly mobbed not only by the Less Fortunate, but by the Middlin’ Fortunate, the Ill-Favored, and the Downright Impecunious. So intent was the Chief in keeping his feet in the madding crowd that he failed to see the Ex-Pet Casket King of No’field lurking With Intent at the edge of the howling mob. Here the XPCKN’s diminutive stature and bullet-like shape stood him in good stead, for he lowered his head and bulled his way through to the Chief, snatching one of the prized ducats ere the Chief saw him.
Making his way to the auditorium, the Ex took his place against the back wall of the room, standing upon the orange crate he always carries in order to see and be seen. Unusually for him, he maintained silence as Nilbert Gooberry, President, Founder, Chief Executive and Inventor of the Instant Pot waxed enthusiastic about The Greatest Boon to Mankind (AND Womankind, he added parenthetically) since the Discovery of the Higgs Boson. He would have gone on much longer had not Bob, wishing heartily to move things along as he had an upcoming appointment at Missus McGillicuddy’s Irish Pub & Massage Parlour, stepped forward and inserted one razor-sharp talon in President Gooberry’s gluteus maximus. Gooberry gave a sharp yip and leapt into the air ere he staggered to one side and collapsed onto a chair.
Bob began demonstrating the uses of the Instant Pot, but not five minutes into the lecture-demo, the XPCKN pushed his way to the front and began to criticize Bob’s presentation – which, the stubby little man felt was his right, he being a Trained Ex-Combat Engineer and a former buck private of industry. Before Chief Nylon could stop him, the Ex wrenched open the top of the nearest Pot, which spewed its contents straight to the ceiling – and, worse, set off a chain reaction that caused nine more Instant Pots to explode. In a panic, the audience made for the doors and windows, led by Inventor Gooberry. The exodus completed, only Bob, the Chief and the Ex remained; the former two threw the Ex to the floor, thrashed him soundly, and heaved him through the nearest window, whereupon the twain of them made for Mother McGillicuddy’s, there to spend a good share of Bob’s fat fee.

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