2018-03-08 / Features

Silly Social Scenes

A Wandering Minstrel (Aye)

BOB TWSC TRIUMPHS IN HOLLYWOOD! – The BIG Nooze this week is something to make All No’field proud: Bob the World’s Smartest Cat was the Big Winner at Sunday night’s Academy Awards in Lalalaland! This dyspeptic, dystopic little burg’s very own Muscular Black Cat swept the twelve categories in which he was nominated, making a haul of the gold-plated tin statuettes that set a record for the most ever for a single film.
Starting at the top, Best Picture went to “My Life as a Cat: The Bob Story,” which, Our sources tell Us, won every ballot cast. Naturally, Bob won Best Actor for portraying himself, while the Clumsiest Co-Star Imitating a Real Actor was grabbed by Bob’s Chief Flunky, Chief W.C. Nylon. As Writer, Director and Producer of the six-hour epic, Bob was a clear favorite for those statuettes as well, and he did not disappoint the oddsmakers. The next category, Longest Film of the Year, bypassed the unabridged “War and Peace” by the Polish director, Zyxuskymsk Mzsylwprsk (by a margin of nine hours to a relatively brief six). Best Narration honors went to the late, great Groucho Marx, whose shade was summoned up by a Practitioner of the Dark Arts (probably the self-same Bob, who has been known to dabble in the occult), who provided the Voice of Bob, who had modestly declined to meow for himself.
The next triumph was for the Most Thought-Provoking Film, which out-did Director Mudly Rutabaga’s dull but informative “The Theory of Relativity Explained in Five Hours” (sources reported that most voters fell asleep within seven minutes of the start of this dog). Likewise, British Director Nigel Bumthumper-ffanshaw-Walloomsac’s “The Birth of a Chicken” failed to garner enough votes to deprive Bob of the Best Film About an Animal” (leading one wit to murmur, “Poor Nigel – he didn’t have an egg to stand on!”).
The eleventh Oscar, which put Bob into a tie for the most awards garnered by a single film, was for Most Expensive Film of the Year, which Bob won paws down after sinking $675,031,482.17 of his own cash into the picture (not including the $50 given by Chief Nylon), which was larger in total than all other films made in 2017. Finally, the category that put Bob over the top and made him the personality at whom all future contenders will aim, was in the sometimes overlooked Best Posters Created for the Film, several versions of which exist: Bob holding a sub-machine gun as he and the Bilumbrian Liberation Army charge the Kalmyk trenches; Bob yowling a tender lover song whilst strumming a balalaika under Juliet’s window; Bob channeling Wm. Jennings Bryan’s famous “Cross of Gold” speech to a class of kindergarteners in Poughkeepsie; and, most favorite of all, Bob in his uniform of the Commanding General of the Vermont Militia receiving the thanks of a grateful legislature.
Bob, who was quite nonchalant about the whole thing, merely indicated by a nod of his head that Chief Nylon should toss the Oscars into a wheelbarrow which had been brought for the expected haul. Immediately following the ceremony, Bob departed for a well-deserved rest on his private island in Bora-Bora (or Pango-Pango or Nuva-Nuva – We forget which), while the Chief was left to trundle the statuettes back to No’field.

DOG PAYS VISIT TO GOMBC; PROVES MORE POPULAR THAN XPCKN – The Noted Salonista, Miz Roxy Lovelox, an occasional visitor to the GOMBC, dropped by Saturday last in time to break her fast with the Usual Suspects (an open-faced avocado on pumpernickel-eggplant-raisin bread smothered in hot sauce). After making a passing reference to her dog, which awaited without, the Salonista was urged to bring the poor, shivering creature inside (especially by Chief Nylon, who nurses a concern for All Animals, even pigeons); this was agreed to by a vote of five to one, the Ex-Pet Casket King demurring on the spurious ground that he didn’t want to sit at the table with a frog (his ear trumpet was at home, where it usually reposes, which is the reason for many of his problems). 
The dog in question entered in a moment and proved to be most agreeable and well-mannered (better by far on both counts than the XPCKN). In fact, a vote on the subject proposed by Chief Nylon, declared the dog Lola better company than the XPCKN by a margin of 6-0 (the Ex being under the mistaken impression that HE had been nominated for the honor).

MASSIVE PARADE FEATURES 9 HUMANS AND 3 DOGS – A photo posted on Nosebook purporting to show a parade on the 2nd instant in favor of somebody running for something was shown around and discussed at breakfast.

EDITOR FALLS OUT OF TREE – We confess that this news item is somewhat ancient, dating back about 15 years, but We think it goes a long way toward explaining the non-editorial-non-policy of this noosepaper, which has been the subject of some carping by Disgruntled Persons. 
Whilst trimming a few errant branches on his avocado tree at his former home in California, the Worthy Editor (at that time a Mere Lawyer) fell out of the tree and, in his own words, “broke his head.” The resulting concussive effect is doubtless accountable for his policy regarding what appears on the front page.

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